Dear Mr Hollywood Producer Men

What the what, guys? I am fond of the moving-picture shows, but I find a drought in what should be my land of plenty at the moment. Putting Kristen Bell into a movie I have no intention of watching is not what I would describe as a successful example of counter-scheduling, at least in respect to nerd-men and other such cultural grazers who do not follow Foot-the-ball. Delaying the release of Toy Story 3 and insisting on having a simultaneous worldwide release of Twilight is like punching me in the face and daddy bags, then having at the sandwich I was about to enjoy with a rabid stick. I don’t even know how you could get a stick rabid, but you went and did it anyway.

Please make an effort to try harder and release movies that do not make me prefer to wrench my own teeth out in strange and unusual fashion. It’s not hygienic and it will play merry havoc with my insurance costs. I buy your DVDs with moneycashfunds rather than pirate them and this gives me a gross and disturbing over-estimation of my worth to you.

Love,
Brian x x x

Prince of Persia

Um, yes, it’s all well and good that it’s keeping Jake Gyllenhaal employed and my lady happy at his exposed chest, but I question the logic of anyone who would adapt the games and not include spike pits and buzzsaws. The games weren’t about temporal macguffins any more than they were realistic interpretations of Persia then and now. It’s deathtrap parkour, you ninnies!

(It’s a souffle of a movie – it’ll fill you, but you’ll be hungry ten minutes after and cursing the World Cup for ensuring there’s nothing decent in the cinema…)

I hate ‘Graphic Novels’

Sitting in the midst of a group of ladies, my love of the ink splattered tomes that were the origins of such luminaries as the Spider-man and that Bruce Wayne fellow was somehow once again invoked. While it was mostly on the issue of boyfriendly compulsion towards the works, a question of note did arise.

“Do you call them comics or graphic novels?”

I call them comics; I have really come to hate the term ‘graphic novel’.

How to not miss somewhere

Moving from Dublin to Waterford was weird because it went against the policy I maintained for the last decade or so in moving from a place with X number of facilities and or amenities I need (read: would like) for a locale with an increased population of same. Hunger pangs (babel: weird capitalist dependency issues) naturally kicked in. But now I have a solution, and it does not apply solely to myself but to any and all easily bored narcissists with flaky attention spans!

Next time you visit somewhere you claim superior, spend so much money on what you need that you:
1. Don’t have the time to leave your main abode if you are to get through it all, and
2. Are too broke to leave, even if (when) you try to rationalise your way out of the above.

I can vouch for its success as a method of self-control! The only drawback is that this will not somehow magically make a Starbucks or other such preferred caffeine-dispensary appear in your present vicinity.

What Brian has been watching since…

More TV and movies! Will I stop this nonsense and talk about something else? Eventually!

What Brian has been watching…

It’s the end of the prime TV season and most shows are wrapping up – what better time to wax critical then on theoretically whole and complete story arcs? Glee, 30 Rock, Going Postal and The Losers all lie in wait underneath the cut…

Movies Are Racist Shocker!

Depending on your level of nerdery, you may have seen the race to be cast as the new Spiderman in the wake of Tobey Maguire vacating the role. The obvious contenders aside, it’s been relatively lacking in anything of note until Donald Glover threw his hat into the ring, reasoning not unreasonably that Spider-man is a character that does not necessarily have to be white. As expected, the hardcore fans have reacted with typical aplomb, stating that No, Really, Peter must be a White Boy because that’s what he is in the comics and it would be racist to change him. Some of the more clever members of this camp have even referred to the matter of the white-washing of the cast of The Last Airbender, painting anyone who disagrees with them as hypocrites. All of which begs the question: does Peter Parker have to be white?

Scott Pilgrim

I am, as many of the people who have to endure me on a daily basis can assure you, a Scott-a-holic. I find Kim Pine’s attitude endearing, I love Wallace Wells as much as a straight man can with cheating on his Good Lady, and I can relate to Scott, in all the joy and squirming guilt that entails. Bryan Lee O’Malley has created something that accurately (or maybe that should read honestly) reflects a group of nerds, geeks, misfits and pleasant ne’er-do-wells. It’s not the first series to do so, it will not be the last, but it has struck a powerful shared nerve amongst its fans nonetheless.

And now there is a movie coming out – did you know that there is a trailer for it on the internet?

Living Dolls

LIVING DOLLS, by Natasha Walter

I have been inside a strip club exactly once in my life – it was to get ice for the bar I worked in next door, and the club was just as depressing as I thought it would be. When I told someone I did not want to spend the last part of a going-away party going to one, I was told I was a dry-balls. And people say sexism is dead! Mind you, that’s me presenting anecdotal evidence, and I doubt that would please Natasha Walter, if Living Dolls is anything to go by…

Spamble

Man, spambots are getting to be impressive things – their compliments worked very well against my natural desire to take all praise irrespective of source as some epic victory for whatever I’m blathering on about at any given time. If they manage to fix up their grammar, they might even fail to arouse my suspicions! After all, who doesn’t want to be praised by the author of post-modern genius such as Fragging Cubism Engraver? I know I do!